Scotts 2 Cents

Christmas Divorce

Scott — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:46:13 +0000

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Christmas and says, ‘I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.

‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.’

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay.’ he says, ‘They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.’

Class Photo of Little Johnny

Scott — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:20:26 +0000

Remember reading all the jokes about ‘Little Johnny’? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say… Well, finally a photo of ‘Little Johnny’ has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture!

The theme of this picture was, ‘Make a funny face’!

I knew you’d be able to find him…

Did You Know?

Scott — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:06:03 +0000

This is a pretty cool video. About 5 minutes long. It may elicit many emotions from different people: Fear, joy, amazement, dropped jaw, anger but it will absolutely make you think.

CLICK BELOW FOR THE VIDEO

Technology

Aren’t you glad you aren’t in Human Resources

Scott — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:56:02 +0000

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2003

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table.

You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

=================================================== =========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have its own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything? ? ?

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: ; Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pr**ks! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f***lng salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f***ing weirdos can kiss my a*s. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B***h from H**l ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

============================================================================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Who Needs Pockets

Scott — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:19:01 +0000

Where do you keep your frogs?

Click URL for Video:

Who Needs Pockets?

Excellent idea for where the change comes from…

Scott — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 22:52:53 +0000

I absolutely LOVE this!!!

Subject: Executive Decision

TO: Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have
resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next
President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in
a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the clients will
have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we
cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our
economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This
has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are
family here and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled through our parking lot and found
6 Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided
these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a
more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change;
I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Politics Simplified - It’s all about the Ice Cream

Scott — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:47:10 +0000

Its all about the Ice Cream …..

The most eye-opening civics lesson I’ve ever heard was a teacher’s third
grade class. The presidential election was heating up and some of
the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election
for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make
a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class
Members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students
Should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia
were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were
good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots
of parental support. I had never seen Olivia’s mother. The day arrived
when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific
ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising
to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise.
She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.” She sat down.
The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed.
How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn’t sure. Would her
parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn’t know. The class
really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie
was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice cream, and fifty-three
percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They want ice cream. The
other forty-seven percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow.

2008 Election Day Breaking News

Scott — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:31:20 +0000

Due to long lines at polls all over America, Obama supporters are asked to please vote on Wednesday.

The Geico Cavemen

Scott — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 03:14:52 +0000

Is it just me or is it time for the Geico cavemen to get over it! Grow some skin and deal with it. Stop crying and whining and leaving the beach because you’re so sad…..

And if two ultra hot chicks are checking you out getting off your motorcycles, maybe worrying about a billboard is not your best move!

The New K - Royals Upgrade Kauffman Stadium - Finally

Scott — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:11:53 +0000

Don’t even get me started on the vote that decided an over priced rennovation to a 35 year old stadium was a better option for the Royals than a Downtown stadium. Or the ridiculous scare tactics and lies used in the extensive advertising campaign to pass the ridiculous deal that led to rennovations instead of exploring the glorious potential of a brand new Downtown stadium. How’s the Sprint Center and Power & Light District working out??? Wish you could vote again don’t you Kansas Citians? And I won’t mention the failed years of horrible drafting based only on signability that has crippled this team so badly it’s sad. Today is about optimism. Today is about the new stadium.

In April of 2009 the Royals claim that the new stadium will be complete and in full glory on opening day against the Yankees. And along with that will come several new seating options. The 2 I’m excited about are the Diamond Seats and Diamond Boxes. The Diamond Seats are the sections directly behind home plate. All new padded seats, in seat service, a private entrance to the stadium and full access to the Diamond Club Lounge. And Diamond Boxes bring back old school box seating with all the same amenities of Diamon Seats plus the added advantage of $20 in food/merchandise credit including on every Diamond Box ticket. I’m very excited about these seats - hoping to have a pair in both sections and can’t wait for the K in 2009!