Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
” Happy Birthday.”

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,

“Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ”

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said,

“You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !”

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said,

“You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?”

I responded,

“I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?”

She said,
“Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

” Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing

“Happy Birthday”!

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked

  ‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.    

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.’    

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’    

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced.  Don’t do a single thing until I get there.  I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing.  DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.    

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay.’ he says, ‘They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.’

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2003

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2003

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table.

You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

=================================================== =========================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2003

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have its own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything? ? ?

Patty

============================================================================

FROM: ; Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees

DATE: October 05, 2003

RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pr**ks! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f***lng salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f***ing weirdos can kiss my a*s. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B***h from H**l ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

============================================================================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Click URL for Video:

Who Needs Pockets?

Its all about the Ice Cream …..

Human Perception and Attentiveness

Humans are interesting.  Most of them.

For those with smaller monitors or old eyes the caption on the shirt reads:
You’ll be living in a WAGON down by the RIVER

And in case you don’t get this reference……(sorry about the ad, but the YouTube videos were lousy quality)