Remember reading all the jokes about ‘Little Johnny’? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say… Well, finally a photo of ‘Little Johnny’ has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture!
The theme of this picture was, ‘Make a funny face’!
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table.
You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
=================================================== =========================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have its own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot
supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything? ? ?
Patty
============================================================================
FROM: ; Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pr**ks! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f***lng salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you
slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f***ing weirdos can kiss my a*s. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B***h from H**l ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
============================================================================
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Its all about the Ice Cream …..
The most eye-opening civics lesson I’ve ever heard was a teacher’s third
grade class. The presidential election was heating up and some of
the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election
for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make
a campaign speech and the class would vote.
To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class
Members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students
Should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia
were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were
good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots
of parental support. I had never seen Olivia’s mother. The day arrived
when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific
ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising
to do his very best. Everyone applauded.
He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise.
She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.” She sat down.
The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”
She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed.
How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn’t sure. Would her
parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn’t know. The class
really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie
was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.
Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice cream, and fifty-three
percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They want ice cream. The
other forty-seven percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow.
Check out this video, good luck.
Human Perception and Attentiveness
Humans are interesting. Most of them.
The best part about this video is that the little girl has no idea she’s saying anything wrong….
It’s not easy to match and early 90s episode with an 80s video game that by today’s standards, well would barely be called a video game. But 80sTees.com has done it with this T-Shirt. One of many great t-shirts that will bring back some memories for those of us who were children of the 80s. Chris Farley as Matt Foley meets Oregon Trail.
For those with smaller monitors or old eyes the caption on the shirt reads:
You’ll be living in a WAGON down by the RIVER
And in case you don’t get this reference……(sorry about the ad, but the YouTube videos were lousy quality)
If you need a laugh , read the Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic email Replies:
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.
This is completely G rated and very cute. If you don’t at least smile you have no soul.
Can’t see the video above and I’m pretty sure you can’t because it wasn’t working so I took it out? Here’s a link:
The Bathroom is funny!
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